I don’t know what to do anymore.
My attention is 95% diverted towards school 100% of the time, and yet, I still find myself sleeping at 2:30 AM and walking into school like a zombie at 7:50. I lug around a backpack that I have to carefully place on the floor, strap over my shoulders while sitting down, and then work my thigh muscles standing up in order to lift it. When I try to get a head start on homework to avoid 2:30 AM naptimes, the words on the page blur and enter my brain as a jumble of jibberish about how ____ the Great did x and y and killed lots of people. After that waste of time, I push through the crowds with the green monster on my back, taking long strides that will carry me to the heaven-for-sleep that is my warm bus. For 1 and a half hours, I zone out to mah tunes and fill the deep well of disappointment in my conscience.
Bit by bit, I am shutting down. I know my limits, and I’ve chosen time and time again to flat-out ignore them. My body can’t survive on 2 and a half hours of sleep each weekday and
Sunday evening Monday morning. Hell, can anyone’s body? How do these kids do it?
Obviously, I’m not superhuman. So, I resolve to sleep at 12 AM tonight, like a (more) normal person. Thus, I shall crank up the history studying and will hopefully finish that up before I start reading cruel jibberish again.
~ full love from the half-alive c a n d i c e